I envy those who are having fun in uni life.

I envy those who have lots of friends.

I envy those being close to home.

I envy those being able to explore.

and I envy those who are happy.

Looking at my life, I thought I have none of these. But as I go through what have I been through and gather my memories and feelings that my brains have been selectively kept aside, I realized that I do – in those tiny little ways that we’ve never realised. Just like how we’ve always expected big things in life but the truth is that they are made of small fragments that completes the big picture.

In mass, the church choir sang beautifully, and a verse did hit straight at me.

“I am my own enemy”

And indeed, I am.

For having negative thoughts.

For developing anger.

For the envy and the loath feeling towards others.

And I feel it all because I allow myself to.

Because I compare too much and I care too deep.

Comparing what others have and I don’t.

I care too much that often I neglect my own thoughts and happiness.

I care too much to not even realize I am angry for not defending myself.

In other words, I am going against my own aphorism – I don’t live to please others.

And because of that, I forgot what it was like to be happy.

Recently, I’ve been hit by the anger wave and it hasn’t really subsided at all.

My mood swings faster than I’ve ever know.

At one moment, I could be fond of you and the next instance, I’m feeling angry.

­­­­­­­Today, is Ash Wednesday, marking the beginning of Lent season.

And for every lent, we should practice abstinence.

And for this lent, it would be my anger.